The world seems to want to tell me how bloated they are this week. What is this mythical condition known as bloating. I've never had bloating. And at least one of the people who claimed to be bloated was very definitely just fat. There is nothing wrong with carrying a few extra pounds but please don't tell me that you aren't fat, it is all air.
Apparently the cause of this mystery condition is bread. I have been eating bread all my life, little knowing that I was at terrible risk of becoming bloated.
Things that make me bloated:
Pastry
Pork pies
Lard
Sausages
Wine
Lager
Curry
Chocolate
Oh and KFC makes me retain oxygen.
Bloating my ass.
Friday, 8 May 2009
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Money to burn?
For reasons too dull to list, I am awaiting a hospital referral to my local cardiology department. And the nice people there sent me a letter yesterday...to say I should get a letter in the next fortnight with an appointment. Why not save the stamp and just send me my appointment? I mean, I'm kind of ok with the whole concept of waiting in general, I'm orderly in bus queues and I don't expect a letter 2 weeks before my birthday saying yoo hoo, look out for a card from me soon!
And, to pad out the postage even further, they also enclosed a leaflet on giving up smoking for me. Now, I am pretty darn sure my NHS records state I am a non-smoker - and in fact, baring a drunken drag in 2005, have been all my life.
However, I got so cross at the waste of funding I started puffing furiously on a pipe to quell my rage. The leaflet has been useless in helping me kick my new addiction, but perhaps it'll give the heart people something extra to look out for.
And, to pad out the postage even further, they also enclosed a leaflet on giving up smoking for me. Now, I am pretty darn sure my NHS records state I am a non-smoker - and in fact, baring a drunken drag in 2005, have been all my life.
However, I got so cross at the waste of funding I started puffing furiously on a pipe to quell my rage. The leaflet has been useless in helping me kick my new addiction, but perhaps it'll give the heart people something extra to look out for.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Gok Wan's Fashion Fix...
... had me screaming at the telly last night. In fact Gok's Fashion Fix left me requiring a heroin fix.
Who is this man? What rock did he crawl out from under? When is he crawling back and why on earth has he taken it upon himself to take responisbility for the self esteem of woman kind? Has there been some petition or pressure group that I have missed? And surely, if we badly needed a man to cheer us all up, it wouldn't be one who had willfully rejected women as a lifestyle choice. It certainly wouldn't be this little twat who refers to a lady's bosoms as "bangers".
Gok, take your "whanger" and shove it up your "crapper". If I catch you on my telly again I'm putting my foot through it, and guess who will be getting the bill.
In this episode, unbearable Gok was styling the equally unbearable Cilla Black who apparently "lives in jeans" when she is "Not on camera". All the time then Cilla?
She also proclaimed that she would "rather diet than wear a size 14".
Read my lips, Cilla:
And
The
Rest
Who is this man? What rock did he crawl out from under? When is he crawling back and why on earth has he taken it upon himself to take responisbility for the self esteem of woman kind? Has there been some petition or pressure group that I have missed? And surely, if we badly needed a man to cheer us all up, it wouldn't be one who had willfully rejected women as a lifestyle choice. It certainly wouldn't be this little twat who refers to a lady's bosoms as "bangers".
Gok, take your "whanger" and shove it up your "crapper". If I catch you on my telly again I'm putting my foot through it, and guess who will be getting the bill.
In this episode, unbearable Gok was styling the equally unbearable Cilla Black who apparently "lives in jeans" when she is "Not on camera". All the time then Cilla?
She also proclaimed that she would "rather diet than wear a size 14".
Read my lips, Cilla:
And
The
Rest
Monday, 4 May 2009
Tell me why I don't like Tuesdays?
Ok, so maybe I am greedy and just want to eek out the bank holiday until the banks are just closed all year round, but I am not a fan of the Tuesday. I much prefer a Thursday as there's normally something funny on the telly and you can almost smell that warm and invitating fresh-baked Friday night approaching.
And today I found out (ie, looked and saw) that my birthday falls on a bloody Tuesday this year. Ugh. Who's going to want to go out and help me celebrate pre-mid-week?
No-one, if I keep whinging that's for sure. So, I'm going to make my peace with Tuesday right here and now, in front of one co-writer and an online blog follower and thank it for keeping Monday far at bay and for being a key part of an amusing euphemism.
And today I found out (ie, looked and saw) that my birthday falls on a bloody Tuesday this year. Ugh. Who's going to want to go out and help me celebrate pre-mid-week?
No-one, if I keep whinging that's for sure. So, I'm going to make my peace with Tuesday right here and now, in front of one co-writer and an online blog follower and thank it for keeping Monday far at bay and for being a key part of an amusing euphemism.
Sunday, 3 May 2009
Friday, 1 May 2009
To Watch or Not to Watch
Here's something that IPlayer wasn't made for.
To Buy or Not to Buy...series 8...presented by two-footed skating grin-monger Melinda Messenger and Ricky from Eastenders himself Mr Sid Owen. Property gurus, I am certain.
'Melinda and Sid try and find the perfect love-nest for a young couple', bleats one episode descriptor.
Perehaps 'Sid and Melinda find temporary shelter in the "go get a job/I am very ill today" TV schedule' would work better.
To Buy or Not to Buy...series 8...presented by two-footed skating grin-monger Melinda Messenger and Ricky from Eastenders himself Mr Sid Owen. Property gurus, I am certain.
'Melinda and Sid try and find the perfect love-nest for a young couple', bleats one episode descriptor.
Perehaps 'Sid and Melinda find temporary shelter in the "go get a job/I am very ill today" TV schedule' would work better.
Life. Up to his old tricks again
Life asked Shiv to pull his finger this week. Hopefully she will learn now.
Meanwhile Life came round my house and top decked me. Bad Life!
Shiv and I believe that Carol Decker from T'pau enjoys top decking people, and is known by her friends as Carol Topdecker. We believe quite a few things about Carol Topdecker which may be mentioned another time.
Just imagine 80s songbird, Sonya, in her scouse bleat complaining "Arr Ey. T'pau's shat in the cistern again."
Meanwhile Life came round my house and top decked me. Bad Life!
Shiv and I believe that Carol Decker from T'pau enjoys top decking people, and is known by her friends as Carol Topdecker. We believe quite a few things about Carol Topdecker which may be mentioned another time.
Just imagine 80s songbird, Sonya, in her scouse bleat complaining "Arr Ey. T'pau's shat in the cistern again."
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