Travel lodgeing

Hello and welcome to my first blog about living in a travel inn. For those that don’t already know, I’m working on a contract in Northampton which involves living away from all that is dear to me during the week. In a travel inn.

Last week was the Premier Inn. Those that have seen the adverts might well assume that you can get rooms “from £29” the key word here is “from”, meaning “nothing like”. I think Lenny Henry has booked up all the £29 rooms and broken the beds by jumping on them. Breakfast is extra and £5 will buy you the “continental”, or in other words, the world’s most expensive croissant. Pah I say to that, especially when I can make a boiled egg in the kettle for next to nothing!

However, now I realised that the Premier Inn is a bit of a fancy pants travel inn as this week I’m living in a Travel Lodge on the A45. The in-room leaflet informs me of the Travel Lodge’s motto “Everything you need and nothing you don’t”. I’m assuming that the CEO of Travel Lodge considers the will to live to be non essential. To say the room is basic is something of an understatement. To say it is basic according to 1970s standards is a little nearer the mark.

More tomorrow

A Cherry Cherry Christmas

How sweet of Neil Diamond to write an album in my honour

I needed this to cheer me up as I am currently on my deathbed with a rather fierce flu virus and am weaker than a jelly kitten. Still it has been interesting being hot and cold at the same time.

Ex pat life

I have survived my first week as an ex-pat, and you’ll never guess what? I bloody love it (although this may be subject to change).

Gibraltar is a far simpler place to live and work than the UK. It is also significantly warmer.
Gib also has something the UK will never have. A channel called Gibraltar Broadcasting Corporation (GBC) which is perhaps the most wonderful thing I have seen in my entire life. I think it deserves a post of its own another time.

People say that living in Gib is similar to the eighties and it is so true, right down to the dogshit! I am a bit worried about what am going to do with all my trendy London gear. I could easily end up looking like am on my way to a fancy dress party. I don’t think Gib is ready for my jumpsuits yet. I don’t think they have had jumpsuits the first time around yet. I would go a little further and say it is a bit like an 80s sitcom, but that is based almost solely on a morning spent in the Gibraltar tax office. I’m upholding this by watching re-runs of Last of the Summer Wine on UKGold. And wouldn’t you bloody know it, the episode where Compo rolls down a hill in a bath was on over the weekend! Last of the Summer Wine is ACE, why did no one tell me? I am digging the eighties and will be going out to buy a spectrum and a lolo ball at some point this week.

Most excitingly of all, I have found a venue for Gibraltar’s first comedy club, and may well be coming out of retirement soon! Watch this space for more info.

Still have not been to see the monkeys, but like I said, don’t want to wear the place out.

Overall I am having a ball and am not missing London one little bit. I miss people but not London. Cut to 11am tomorrow when I am screaming “Get me off this ridiculous bloody rock and back to civilisation”!

Gib Gib hooray

Hello from sunny Gibraltar. I have arrived in one piece and have not run home in tears yet. For those what are interested, here are some pics of my flat. It is very cool.

I have been out and about investigating my new home. Have not seen any monkeys yet but I didn’t want to wear the place out on the first day.

I’ve learned that Gibraltar does not seem to sell books. You can’t buy them. Maybe they fear reading, I don’t know. But anyone coming to visit must buy me books. Which is amusing in itself as I am not allowed to borrow my friend’s books because of my book religion, Book Flux. I believe that you cannot really own books, you read them and then they move on. Once a book is read it becomes valueless and you must give it to someone else. So when I finish books I give them away or leave them on trains or similar. This can be very annoying to people whose books you have borrowed, especially if they do not believe in marrying the twin disciplines of eastern philosophy and book ownership.

So now Hotel Green is only open to visitors who bring me a gift of a book and agree that I may throw it in the sea when I’ve read it if I wish to do so.

Gibraltar also has those enormous sea gulls that I call Seagles in my head. Pronounced to rhyme with eagle.

So, Seagles and no books. That is pretty much it for now!

The power of perspective

Here is a picture of me with my adorable Godcat, Tweets. For once she decided to forgo her “I am not a lap cat” mindset and sit beside me and be fussed before getting back to her extremely busy schedule of savaging toy mice and relaxing in the airing cupboard.

You might also notice that the angle the photo is taken from makes it look like I have massive legs and a tiny little pin head. But of course if you know me you will know I have ordinary legs and a normal sized head.

Tweets is demonstrating the power of perspective here. What might seem distorted and wrong may seem utterly normal from another angle. So there is something for you all to think on.

Green
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A dog name is for life...

The weather at lunchtime was crisp and dry like a popular 80s cooking oil, so I went for a walk into the village where I work. Outside the local store, I spotted a lady talking to her dog before she popped in to buy a weekly paper, or some date expired dairylea slices*. Now I am not exactly on the Crufts judging panel here, but it was some kind of reddy chocolatey labrador blend. You get the idea.

"There there Skippy, you just wait there," she said.

I then puzzled all the way back to the office as to whether Skippy was an appropriate name for a dog. Bush kangaroo, yes. Dog, hmm. Not convinced.

But then, to my mind, dogs should get simple nouns for names, like Banana or Fondue. If we give them human names, we let them think they are like us. And they should know their place.

Though nothing puts you more in your place than picking up Banana's poo in a Tesco carrier bag.

*I did get £5 in vouchers and a "sorry" letter where they spelt my name wrong.

PS wasn't really worth waiting 5 months for was it, but seeing as there's two names on this blog...

Spooooky Halloween

Hello Biscuit Fan. Or should I say, Hi Becky.

This weekend was Halloween and the London Branch of Biscuits for Girls celebrated in style. Organised by the Queen of Halloween herself, Sarah, we embarked on a zombie pub crawl that kicked the arse of all other zombie pub crawls. Except for me, cause I was dressed as She Ra. I didn’t want to be a zombie but I did want to be She Ra. There I was, kitted out in a She Ra costume that was very revealing and a little chilly, so I was rather jealous of all the nice warm zombies. Add in Charlotte’s white platform boots from her slappier student days and Hey Presto, six foot two inch She Ra is ready to conquer the town. I got a round of applause in the first pub when I took my coat off from the very much non dressed up locals. Thank goodness for Hollywood Tape!

We seemed to be the only people doing Halloween in Dulwich, but we weren’t discouraged. And after Sarah’s skilful application of zombie make up we shuffled, lurched and tottered carefully in our platforms to the drinking holes of South East London. All the time calling for Braaaaiiiiiinnnss

Some Highlights.

1) Zombie Rob being unable to see properly with his contacts in
2) Dean getting a bit “method” with his Zombie acting and terrorising a woman in a parked car by clawing at the window. We all agreed it was the funniest thing ever.
3) A loud and drawn out conversation about the under-representation of nonces in Hollywood films.
4) Lurching, shuffling and tottering across the road in front of a bus that had to stop for us, while being waved across the road by a devil.
5) Rob biting a stranger’s head. Apparently he was only going to go for his throat, but his natural sense of showmanship took over. The bloke loved it too.

A good time had by all, and it would have been even better if someone who was there in spirit could have been there in the flesh! A someone who would have absolutely loved the make up, shuffling, head biting and tarty She Ra outfit. All Hallows to absent friends.

Check out the pics on Flickr