Hello there
I’ve taken a 5 minute break from the shuddering sobs that are currently wracking my body to bring you an update on Travelodge living. I’ll have to be quick cause I’ve got some staring into the void of despair to crack on with in a mo.
The Travelodge on Gold Street in Northampton is THE most depressing, despair inducing place in the entire universe. Last week’s Lodge was dated and tired, but this one is young perky and ready to make you want to put a gun to your head. The taxi driver on the way over here told me that “the Travelodge on Gold Street used to be a hotel”. I thought “what is it now?” but now I know. It is a pit of unimaginable horrors into which you must never look. Either that or it is one of these trendy new hotels that make the rooms an “experience”. In this case, a convent in the 1960s. I would take a photo but my camera appears to have committed suicide at the thought. And I can’t say I blame it.
To say the room is Spartan is something of an understatement. OK I wasn’t expecting gold brocade and chintz but I don’t even have a fucking bible! I was looking forward to reading the book of Leviticus and laughing at how lying with a menstruating woman is an abomination but shagging members of your own family is merely to be avoided where possible. No Gideon bible. Can you imagine? I’m sitting on a plastic chair at a plastic table, wondering where to hang my suit now that wardrobes have been grouped under “non essential”.
I am just back from wandering down to the dead-eyed ghoul on reception to ask of it wouldn’t be too much trouble to furnish me with a hairdryer. She gave me one from the mid 80s and made me sign it out. Yeah. Don’t want me nicking that and selling it on the black market do we.
Sheesh!
There is, needless to say, no phone in the room but if there was it would no doubt be one of those ones you get on tall bridges that put you straight through to the Samaritans.
In case anyone is wondering what I’m doing in Satan’s vile and farting hole, this place was recommended by a colleague, who described it as “Very modern and clean.” Yes. A modern clean convent that will make you want to shoot yourself in the face in seconds. No prizes for guessing who is getting the bogwashing of their life first thing tomorrow morning.
Must go, I can hear the bell for vespers.
Growl.
